The Neverending Sadness

I have a thing that visits me from time to time. It's an overwhelming sense of sadness and grief. Once upon a time it was attached to an event in my life but now it just visits when it feels like and strikes at random unprovoked moments. Tonight was a visitation from my old friend. I sat in my living room and cried over absolutely nothing for at least an hour....yes my puffy eyes say an hour so I'll go with that.

There was no trigger, no memory, no reason for it. I just felt desolate, despairing and sad. I've mixed up some essential oils in the hopes they will make a difference. I feel better at least.

Finding The Passion Again

I had been a little frustrated with my life recently, but thankfully passion is returning once more. No I haven't met a man, got a new job or won a heap of money. I just feel the blurred vision lifting and my passion for things I once loved, returning. It's great to feel the energy once more. I love my life while it moves forward. When it stands still though it takes on all the charm of a duckpond with too large a population. Stinky and fetid.

I spent the past few days reinvigorating myself. I whipped up some new body cremes, did a head to toe clay mask, whitened my teeth and started a novel regime with is supposed to make my eyelashes grow longer and thicker. Yeah we've all heard that before but at least once in your life you need to give it a try, even if only for the temporary hope it gives you. And you know what? A little bit of superficial self care can work wonders on your outlook. I think a final trip to the hairdresser for a new style will crown off my mini makeover and give me a boost.

After almost 10 years with long tresses I am feeling the urge once again to lop it off. I do this at least once a decade and instantly regret it. Not because the style is no good but because I realise that with my hair it's less manageable shorter than long. I have what is known in the hairdressing biz as 2A hair type. Very fine strands with useless level of curl that turns to frizz if you look at it. Now while having less of that hair on my head seems like the ideal solution, the reality is that at least long you always have the option of pulling it back in a pony tail and slicking it down. Making it, if not glamourously gorgeous, at least neat and tidy. Shorter however and the bad hair day can't be gotten away from. And lets not even talk about that icky inbetween length where only half of it pulls up into a tie and the facial fuzz hangs out.

But pics like these make me really want to go for a shorter style.

Aside from the fact these hairstyles are designed for asian hair they appeal to me because they all feature the same relaxed curl that my hair naturally has. At last a hairstyle designed to look like that. Here's an interesting phenomenon...

Asian women spend thousands every year to perm their hair into a relaxed curl or kink, and virtually none of their hairstyles take advantage of their naturally straight locks. Meanwhile caucasian women shell out big bucks to have poker straight hair to accomodate long, straight, thick hairstyles. Am I the only one who thinks they should just swap style books?

I've decided to go and see a Japanese hairdresser in town and get a professional opinion on a) whether my hair really is suitable for such a style and b) whether such a style would suit me. I had a Japanese hairdresser cut my hair about 5 years ago. He did a bang up job and it was the best haircut I ever had. But it was also a cut based on me having poker straight hair and I never can be bothered blow drying my hair. This time I will ask for cut that uses rather than rejects my natural hair. Here's hoping...

The Mid-Life Crisis

We all know how it's characterised. Ageing people getting a desperate need to feel invigorated again and recapture their youth. But what is it really? It's not the thought that I will die one day and that day is getting sooner that's worrying me at all. Those are not the thoughts that are plaguing me at this time. It's the false premise that there is no life after 40, for anyone. The lie that all life ends once you reach that age because face it, no-one really wants to know you anymore. And if you haven't got kids in your life to look after you'll be hard pressed to find any form of usefulness. That's what I'm taking so hard these days.

And the hard part is that this idea was so firmly entrenched within me, latent and unknowingly. I am now confronted with it and wondering just where the hell did I lose my zest for life? Who has stolen my right to meaning and purpose on the planet? And most importantly, if love has passed me by, what will I obsess over now? Having a hobby seems kind of hollow by comparison to the burning desire to find a life partner. It's like someone taking you career out from under you and handing you a cheap set of golf clubs in return. Here you go, you've been an asset to the company for 35 years and now here's a $200 golfbag so you can piss off.

And I know all of this is false but I am finding it so difficult to adjust my sense of worthiness and purpose in life. What am I to do now? If I'm not here to get married, start a business empire, buy up half the real estate in Sydney and change the world like I thought I was, what the hell am I here for?

Yeah I will get over it at some stage. Just as soon as I can accept or make peace with my reality that I'm almost 40 and haven't done anything I thought I was going to do. And the shitty part is, I still feel like I'm 25. In fact I don't think my personality ever moved on from that age, just my body did.

Now I know why late 30's divorces (when a great deal of them happen) are so devastating. Not only are you trying to come to terms with the fact that someone pulled the rug out from under your body, but you've got marital issues as well. And finally signing off the papers and finding yourself suddenly single after 40 must really, really suck. At least I've got a heads up there, I'm already single and used to it.

This stage in my life feels so empty and meaningless and the only way out of it is to find some meaning that is not age dependant. The Mid-Life Crisis must surely be nothing more than...

The search for worth in a world that has taught us all worth is age related.

The Cursed Pickle Jar

Ever get the feeling that life is conspiring to in some way frustrate you? Good example of this is the jar of pickles I bought from Aldi today. For some reason I have the only jar of pickles in the known universe with a lid so tight it's impossible to remove. I've tipped the jar upside down and banged it to get the vacumn to loosen a little, I've run the lid under hot water to loosen it. I've tried a lid grip mat to get the lid off. But no, the lid will not come off this jar of pickles.

And in my efforts I've now ruined the label so I can no longer return the product. Yes, yes I know it's a freakin $3 jar of pickles. Throw it away and be done with it! Don't blog about it for christs-sake!

Well I am blogging about it because I'm sure I'm not the only one to be frustrated by a jar of pickles. And anyway we all know it's not about the $3.00 it's all about our lives, and basic freedoms and our entitlement to consume a jar of pickles we have paid $3.00 for. More fundamental than that, I'm hungry and these pickles look freakin delicious!

So anyway I called Aldi over my $3.00 jar of unopenable pickles and they were confounded over what to do. Confounded I tell you! Well it's bloody obvious to me what you do, you tell the customer it's no big deal (it is after all only a $3.00 jar of pickles) and give them permission to return it and receive another in it's place. But apparently that's not the german way. No, no, at Aldi we waste 10 minutes of the customers time asking them stupid questions like....

Have you tried getting someone else to open it for you?

Are you serious? Would I be wasting my pre-paid phone credit calling you over this jar of pickles if it were as simple as asking my neighbour to open it for me. Do you think I am mentally retarded and haven't thought of that solution myself? Evidentally so.

Anyway I was too astounded to continue the conversation and hung up. I've decided to keep the unopenable jar of pickles as a trophy for all the struggles in my life. Like so many other things I wanted and couldn't have the jar of pickles teases me with it's tantalising deliciousness and yet remains elusive.

The dangerous creepiness of online dating

I'm single and late 30's and although my life is entirely a comfortable and happy one about twice a year I get this brilliant idea to cruise an online dating site...just in case someone fabulous is on there. And twice a year I find myself shuddering at the bone chilling creepiness and hilarity of online dating photos. I never do end up paying for a membership or even filling out a profile, such is the dearth of talent on these sites.

But for what it's worth, if you are a man filling out a profile here are some don't go there tips, unless of course your aim is to scare off any potential mates.

Don't...post photo's of yourself shirtless. It's never, ever a good idea. If you really do look like a fitness model you'll also look impossibly vain and self centred. Yes women like a good looking man, we just don't like one who reminds us how good looking he is all the time. Good looking men look good in clothes too and to be honest we'd rather see you that way until we get to know you.

If you aren't a fitness model then it's embarassing for you and rather creepy for us, especially if your half-naked photo is taken in a bedroom or bathroom. The pic is voyeuristic and inappropriate for the whole world to see. It's true some women also like what we affectionately call "teddy bears" but they are so much cuter with a shirt on, at least until we are on a first name basis.

Don't...take a closeup shot of yourself with sunglasses on. Hello guys! The eyes are the window to the soul and if you're covering them up we imagine you've got something to hide. I can appreciate that you've spent over $300 on a pair of Serengetti's but I can also assure you that I couldn't care less if you own them or not. I'd much rather see if you've got eyes I could gaze into rather than seeing you're obsession with fashion labels and looking cool.

Don't...pose for wet hair, just out of the shower, pouty "oh look at me I'm a model" shots. Seriously! You'll look ridiculous. If it's not your career don't attempt it. Pouts and squinting eyes are great for selling hair products but look stupid otherwise. Think Zoolander. Glamour shots, even homemade ones, are evidence of ego-stroking, a really unattractive attribute in a mate.

Don't...put up pictures of yourself blind rotten drunk with 5 of your best friends. It's an advertisement for "I'm a heavy drinker who engages in acts of socially unacceptable behaviour...and so are my best friends." Yep that'll attract the ladies for sure. And by the way, only guys think photo's of drunk guys are funny.

Don't...give yourself a foreign name to attract a foreign woman. I see this a lot with men who want to attract an asian female. They start calling themselves all sorts of weird things in Japanese. Here's a heads up, Japanese women are not idiots they can read an english name. They also won't be impressed by your inept use of their language nor will they be convinced that you are Japanese because you have changed your name. My guess is, they will know you are white the instant they see your photo...it's just a guess though.

Don't...have a picture of yourself with another woman. Contrary to popular belief I will not date you because your last girlfriend was hot. I will though see you as someone who may in the future post a picture of me on the internet to attract other women.

Don't...post a pic of yourself in the cockpit of a plane or an expensive boat. It doesn't make you James Bond, really. I can clearly see from your photo that you are not Pierce Brosnan and I'm attracted to personalities not professions or possessions.

Don't...post a pic of yourself glassy eyed and holding a joint in your hand. I suppose I really should applaud your honesty here. You are giving me a HUGE heads up about what's to come. Better now than to come home later on to you in a drug induced coma or a raid on my home.

So there goes another year of online dating, or rather another year in which I decide in about 10 minutes that online dating is a massive waste of my time.